So much has happened in the last few years, but all of that seems overshadowed by what has happened in the last few day. Sunday (Easter Sunday) I had sex with a woman for the first time. I have been in love with her for a little over a year. We're best friends, and had been cuddling and holding hands long before we started into all this.
Up until three weeks ago, she had a boyfriend. She had been dating him since she was sixteen. She's nineteen now, and I am twenty three. Suddenly, three weeks back, everything changed. She hadn't found herself in love with me until then, though she still believed that I was her soulmate, her other half, her best friend. Then, as she put it: "I rolled over and you were in bed next to me, and I thought 'I am in love with her', and that was it."
And so here we are.
She ended things with her boyfriend. I ended things with the boy I was with. We waited for three weeks, thinking we could wait until after her trip overseas in July. Sunday night... we could wait no longer.
And everything is going swimmingly, except for the fact I am scared out of my wits. This is my first time with a woman, and her third or so. I love being with her. I don't want anyone else. But there is this horrible guilt that comes with it. It's like an ingrained feeling that I'm doing something 'wrong', even if I'm not. It's a sort of internalized homophobia, I suppose.
My question is: How do I let that go? How do I say 'fuck all' to what everyone thinks? How do I fall into this and not worry about the fact it's 'socially unacceptable'? I live in the South, around the bible belt, mind you.
I came out to my mom, and my sisters. All my close friends know. It's just... this is new. And wonderful. And really scary.
Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:27 am
quirkz
Joined: 03 Apr 2008
Posts: 11
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Hey there!
I'm sorta in the same place, I just came out to my immediate family and I wish I had a fantastic gal in my life but that will come with time I suppose
I still can't say aloud that I'm a lesbian because I still feel slightly unsure about it, even though that's what I identify as. I don't feel bisexual and I certainly don't feel straight. But I haven't made that declarative statement that I am a full on bona fide lesbian. I feel like I might be searching for justification. The easiest thing for me has been to give myself time. It can take a lonnng time to just come out to ourselves and outside pressures don't help...and along the bible belt..I couldn't imagine how tough it can be to try and live normally in the south. I'm guessing that the guilt comes mainly from the views of family/friends/society which is completely understandable. You came out to your mom/sisters, what do they think about it? If they're against it, then you're gonna have to find a nice support system. I felt like I was suffocating before I found lesbian/bi friends that I could talk to.
A lot has happened in the last couple of days so I think you should continue to just do what feels right for you and give yourself a reality check daily and think about how happy you are when you're with her and tell yourself that you deserve to be happy no matter what anyone thinks. You have to live with yourself at the end of the day, so you and yourself should be on good terms I hope this helped, I'm not usually great with advice but I always try!
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